A Watershed moment...

Ok, so maybe the healing is in the telling, because I was thinking about it all and after I had written it I kept changing it by adding in details (because more than anything else I want this blog to tell an accurate story of our lives for us to look back on someday) and then it hit me and I was STUNNED.  I  feel anxious, frustrated, discontent and angry because I do not have anything that really I want....and deep down I hate God because He has all these things and I think He should share more of them with me if He loves me so much...I think He should let me be god.

So I wrote out this list of everything I want....

1. I want unlimited resources touse at my discretion…I want for poor people to be able to ask me for the thingsthey need and for me be able to help them and be able to give them what they need
2. I want (well "need" is more accurate) more time for me 
3. I do not want to have to worry about money
4. I want adoration…especiallyfrom my husband
5. I want people to always like me (and for people to always like Jon and my kids, too)
6. I want everlasting beauty(that does not fade like the flowers!)
7. I want to be in Control...of all the drivers on the road when I am, and of everything else
8. I want to save the world bybecoming nothing like Mother Theresa and then at the end of my life be givenlots of glory for doing it and inspiring others to do the same (I seriously daydream about this)
9. I want self-sufficiency
10. I want order...I am so tired of my life being run by chaos
11. I want praise and affirmationfrom others for the job that I am doing
12. I want to be given gifts
13. I want to be strong andfearless and safe and invincible
14. I want to know all things…Iwant to be the one who keeps tabs on all the bad guys and knows exactly wherethey are at all times and that they are not near my children at all times andnot outside my window
15. I want to have the power tomake a difference in the world
16. I don't want any people or animals to ever hurt or feel lonely. 
17. I want to be famous
18. I want to be watched
19. I want for people to readthings I write and think, “Wow.”
20. I want for people be able toread a book written about me and my story and say, “Wow, she was an amazing andbrilliant person.”
21. I want to have it togetherand for people to look at me and think, “Wow.”
22. I want to be able to dowhatever I want whenever I feel like it and nothave to do things I don’t feel like doing!
23. I want to have endless energyand not require healthy food and rest
24. I do not want to be heldaccountable by time
25. I do not want to haveconsequences…I want to be the one who controls my own cause and effect (forexample, if I eat 10 vegetables a day, I want to be able to guarantee that Iwill not get cancer because of it)
26. I do not want to do things over and over (like cook,clean, rest, work, exercise, read my Bible, pray, etc...)
27. I want to be able to hand-pickgovernment leaders and be able to have them consider my thoughts on how thingsshould be
28. I want to never get sick anddie
29. I do not want to be dependent on anything or any one
30. I want to not have to EVERhave a boss
31. I want to be able to stop badthings from happening to people
32. I want to make the rules thatevery one has to obey (and them be able to make them obey them)
33. I want to be able to makepeople do the right things
34. I want to decide what heavenand eternity are like…I’m not really excited about heaven at all, in fact Idread it b/c our family won’t be together as a family any more…it will be agigantic family
35. And above all I want to be righteous!!! I want for God to look at me and say, "Wow! I'm very impressed with what she's done with all that I gave her."

So then I rewrote the list and saw how BLINDLY I've been living...

1. God you have I want unlimited resources touse at my your discretion…I want for poor people to be able to ask me you for the thingsthey need and me be able for you to help them and give them what they need because you are able to do it
2. I want (well "need" is more accurate) need more time for me God
3. I do not want to God, you do not have to worry about money 
4. I want adoration…especiallyfrom my husband God, I adore you.  I want Jon to adore you.
5. I want God, you are sovereign over whether or not people to always like me (and you are sovereign over whether or not for people to always like Jon and my kids, too) 
6. I want God you have everlasting beauty(that does not fade like the flowers!)
7. I want to be God you are in Control...of all the drivers on the road when I am, and of everything else
8. I want to save the world bybecoming nothing like Mother Theresa and then at the end of my life be givenlots of glory for doing it and inspiring others to do the same (I seriously daydream about this) God you have saved the world by sending Jesus into the poorest and neediest parts and caring about these precious people. You will be given lots of glory for doing this and inspiring others (like Mother Theresa, but still only you have the power to save) to do the same.
9. I want self-sufficiency God you are self-sufficient.
10. I want order...I am so tired of my life being run by chaos. God you are the beginning and the end and therefore You give order.
11. I want God I praise and affirmationfrom others you for the job that I am you are doing
12. I want to be given gifts God I want you to be given gifts
13. I want to be God you are strong andfearless and safe and invincible
14. I want to God, you know all things…Iwant to be the one who keeps You keep tabs on all the bad guys and knows exactly wherethey are at all times and that they are not if they are near my children at all times andnot if they are outside my window
15. I want to God you have the power tomake a difference in the world
16. I God you don't want any people or animals to ever hurt or feel lonely. Is this why you hate sin so much?
17. I want to be God you are famous
18. I want to be God you are watched
19. I want for God, people to readthings I you write and think, “Wow.”
20. I want for God, people be are able toread a book written about me you and my your story and say, “Wow, she was He is an amazing andbrilliant person.”
21. I want to God you have it togetherand for people to look at me you and think, “Wow.”
22. I want to be able to God you dowhatever I you want whenever I you feel like it and you do nothave to do things I you don’t feel like doing!
23. I want to God you have endless energyand do not require healthy food and rest
24. I do not want to be God you are not heldaccountable by time
25. I do not want to haveGod you are above consequences…I want to be You are the one who controls my own cause and effect (forexample, if I eat 10 vegetables a day, I want to be able to guarantee that you decide if Iwill not get cancer because of it)
26. I God you do not want have to do things over and over (like cook,clean, rest, work, exercise).  There is nothing you have to do because your being is not dependent upon your choices.
27. I want to be God you are able to hand-pickgovernment leaders and be able to have them consider my your thoughts commands on how thingsshould be
28. I want to God you never get sick anddie
29. I do not want to be God you are not dependent on anything or any one 
30. I want to God you do not have to EVERhave a boss
31. I want to be God you are able to stop badthings from happening to people
32. I want to God you make the rules thatevery one has to obey (and them be you are able to make them obey them)
33. I want to be God you are able to makepeople do the right things
34. I want to God you decide what heavenand eternity are like…I’m not really excited about heaven at all, in fact Idread it b/c our family won’t be together as a family any more…it will be agigantic family
35. And God you are above all I want to be the only one who is righteous and holy!!! I want for look at God to look at me and say, "Wow! I'm very impressed with what she's you've done with all that I gave her You."

And now my mental health soul is healed.  Only as I submit and humble myself before the Lord.  Praise to His Name.  I praise You for shining your light on my soul because it has been so dark and sick for so long!!!!!  I just don't even know what else to say!!!!