Is that life begins at conception, which means our family lost a baby, a person…which I do believe to be true because I don’t understand how “wanted/chosen” babies are the only “real” babies, but I just don’t see much evidence that a miscarried baby is treated like a person, even by pro-life Christians...and it troubles me to realize it’s that way, especially since I had never thought about it much before, especially since no one talks about miscarriages.
I've heard pro-life people say that their miscarriages at 6-7 weeks were “more like a period”…do they really mean “more like a period than a person?” So if life begins at conception, even conservative states don’t recognize it as having need for burial until 20-22 weeks, so does it become a person somewhere between 8 and 20 weeks? What in the world does that make my baby at 13.5 weeks? And if all those miscarried babies are in heaven, that is a lot of folks and that simply boggles my mind. I believe there is a lot we do not understand or know here on earth…however, a little clarity during this time would be so refreshing.
The fact is that as the miscarriage plays out, it’s treated as tissue, even by pro-life people…it just seems that there’s a disconnect between our words and actions...the baby comes out in the potty with so much blood and clots you’d have to do a lot of awkward searching to find it…and even then I don’t know if you could, or it comes out in the hospital via a surgical procedure and after testing it is disposed of with removed gall bladders and things of that sort. Nothing prepares you for this…it happens very suddenly and is over before you know it...and the baby is gone. And right now I feel like we’re sending the wrong message to Anna Kate…we had a baby in mommy’s tummy, she saw it "turn into blood" and came out in the potty and now it’s in heaven. Maybe this is why no one talks about it.
And miscarriages are so common. Which in my mind makes me think that it is imperative that churches that believe that the baby was a person, offer some kind of ceremony and liturgy for the family that lost the baby to honor it and for closure...not a full-blown funeral since we didn’t “know” the person, but to give it the dignity that we knew it was a person God made in His image, something where we honor the child…as a person and as a life. I feel that I owe that to my baby…if its mother doesn’t do that for it and recognize its short time on earth, then it will never be recognized. My mother had two miscarriages and many times throughout my life I have thought, “What if they had made it?”…they are pieces of my family.
Additionally, I have thought many times that this would be so much more devastating if I did not or could not have children and miscarried. Also, it’s not like losing a spouse or one of my other children that I have held in my arms where I would be devastated beyond comprehension that I no longer have them with me. But I do feel like we have lost a piece of our family and that I have lost a unique and beautiful tiny person that I loved and I saw it’s precious face on a sonogram and it will always have a special place in my heart. And just because I’m not devastated beyond comprehension by its loss, doesn’t mean it was “just tissue.”
I have read that the families that buried the miscarried baby remains with a memorial service for the miscarried baby feel so much more comfort than what seems to be the only option – just realize it happens, a lot, and take it easy for a couple of weeks, trust God and move on with life. I am feeling better about it, but I can’t seem to “move on” and “let go” until the baby’s life has been recognized in some sort of little service with our family and Pastor to close the final pages of its life. I just don’t understand why it’s not a given among Christians?
6 comments:
I completely agree. Thank you for this post, April. - Ellen
Miscarriage Prayer
My Lord, the baby is dead!
Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?
“Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why.
You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”
I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.
-- Mother M. Angelica
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Your post makes perfect sense to me, as one who's loved her babies from conception! Know you're not alone. Praying for continued healing and peace and sense of understanding.
April,
I just read all of this and I am so sorry. Your honesty is so true and your faith will carry you through. I agree with the ceremony and this sweet baby will always be in your entire families heart. My dad just got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and the questions that boggle my mind are so trivial. I also have listened to the He is faithful song so many times and never get through it without crying. Love you friend.
I'm so sad to read your update (I'm a bit behind) and hear of your miscarriage. Yes, so much of what you posted is true, and I'm so sad you are going through this and finding this all out. There is no grief process losing a child during a pregnancy...no service, no funeral, nothing. But honey, those of us that have been there grieve with you and really understand the loss you are experiencing, and know that you did "know" this child as much as you knew your other children before they were born. I am so, so sorry. And I'm glad you are posting on your blog...you will realize quickly how many people around you will or have been through this, and you will make a difference in their lives with your understanding.
Sending you my prayers,
Laura
I completely understand your words. After suffering 2 miscarriages myself I saw Dr.'s treating it as a medical conditions to be fixed or stabilized, not life to cherish. My losses happen one at 8 weeks the other at 11 weeks. Miscarriage happens SO much more than is talked about. I felt like something was wrong with me when I went through my miscarriages. It wasn't until the second time that others old me they had suffered loss in this way and after some research did I find how common it is. I mourn with you and pray that you find closure for the family member you lost. It should be more openly talked about, especially among Christians.
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