Real feelings

Now all the blood is mopped up and my body feels back to normal and slowly I've tried to process what has transpired...sometimes I listen to Sara Groves' song He's Always Been Faithful over and over and cry for my baby...did it hurt before it died...is it in heaven...does it know that I loved it and it was a part of our dear little family for the first few months of its life and we all loved it very much. Most of the time however, I just decide in my head that it was God's choice and He's always right so I trust Him and I'm fine -- and I am -- as long as I don't actually think about it...I can even talk about and not think about it...which is what I usually do so that I am psychologically numb to pain.

But sometimes I'll see something unexpected or think of something that reminds me of my baby that was going to be in my arms at the end of December and all of a sudden I temporarily have a break in the levies around my mind, then the pain comes rushing in like a flood...at that moment all I want is to have is my sweet little baby back with me, not another baby that we might have some day, but that one. I was only a couple short weeks from being able to see the sex on a sonogram and I wish that I could have known so I could think about the baby as a boy or a girl. I had thought of it as being a boy more because the symptoms were more like my pregnancy with J.R. Anna Kate thinks it was a girl. She draws sweet pictures of it and makes rainbow pictures of our family with the baby in it and the baby is always "red" because of all the blood. While Anna Kate grieves with rainbows, I feel like wearing black...sometimes I do. J.R. and Caroline are oblivious to it all.

My mom came to visit and was a great help and support...but now she's gone and it's just us. Neither Jon nor I have been through a ton of hard times so we don't have much past experience to draw on. I didn't want anyone to say anything or do anything for us so I could forget quickly and so it wouldn't seem like a "big deal," but I must admit that people who have emailed, called, brought flowers or food...their words and gifts have meant a whole lot and made it seem like maybe it is a "big deal" and that makes me feel relief and and thankful for the honor it brings the life of our baby...that its life mattered...and matters...and it's not just a bloody nightmare I imagined and want to forget quickly and move on with my life. Jon says that when people do something to show they care it is God's way of comforting us...and I do feel comforted and I'm so thankful for that.